It was a lovely sunday morning, unlike other days, i was feeling a bysmally ecstatic, i guessed it was because i was finally going to church after five weeks of being at home. so i thought.
Truth is, i was also planning not to go to church that day should my excuse scale me through. I had earlier told my dad that i can
only go to church if PHCH brings power so i’ll be able to iron my clothes which i knew they wouldn’t. Not long after i made that
statement the whole sitting-room became illuminated, i looked up to see the lightbulb glowing. It only meant one thing, PHCN just performed the eight wonder on earth after days of total blackout.
I became elated as i thrust my fist into the air like a football player celebrating his goal. Little did i know that i was in a psyche of dilemma, i totally forgot that i earlier made a promise to go to church if there was light. Just then my dad uttered those words i dreaded most.
“oya go iron your clothes make we dey go the church together.” he commanded.
“ok, sir” i replied but not after wearing a grimace look.
I swiftly went into my room to plug my phone to the socket to enable it charge whilst i dashed to the shower.
Thirty minutes later i got out of the bathroom (don’t ask me what i was doing, lol), I did the needful and in another fifteen minutes time we all bundled into the car and zoomed off to church.
09:45am We got to church and alighted from the car. I was suprised to see that the church population had multiplied by two. I was oblivious that it was thanksgiving day.
Unlike my Fellowship in school, i hated going to church at home because the building was a store-like apartment which could only harbour about fifteen people on a normal day but there was i seeing over thirty persons, where they came from is still a mystery to me. The church also boasted of having the most number of older generations and void of babes. *winks* No thanks to ASUU. i guess now you know why i hated going to church.
The boring service went on as usual and i couldn’t wait for the preacher man to drop the microphone because prior to that moment i had alreay booked a date meeting with a chick i somehow knew back in secondary school. Albeit we were not close. Her name is loveth. I mistakenly bumped into her one faithful evening and we exchanged numbers. Throughout the service i was fantasizing how i was going to caress and serenade loveth while paying deaf ears to all the pastor was preaching. All my hope was meeting my bait.
After what seemed like eternity the service finally came to a halt, i was feeling high like skyscraper as my father began driving back home.
01:34pm We got home and not long after i bodly walked into the sitting-room then loveth’s call came to my phone. Or so i thought.
Immediately i answered the phone she hung up, (damn, girls and their wahala, dem no dey ever call, dis their new tactics of flashing na to buzz your phone and cut the call almost immediately after you pick am) how does this my boring speech concern my story sef? I called her back but not after breathing a sigh of relief atleast to clear my mind from all the obscene things i had planned to do with her later that day.
“hello!” i said with my american accent.
“i’m fine” she blurted.
There was silence for a second before i decided to break it.
“will you still be available for our rendezvous today?” i asked and she replied in the affirmative.
“Alright, i’ll be on my way now” i said smirking and then bounced the call myself.
The scorching sun welcome me as i stepped out of my abode, the rest of my journey was however uneventful. They say time flies and just like the speed of light i finally got to Ring Road, the Heartbeat of benin-city.
I brought out my phone from my pocket and dialled Loveth’s number again, she picked it at first ring and made knowned to me that she was already at the square, the venue of our date meeting. I ended the call and made to crossed the ever busy king-square road. My lips curved into a smile as i stylishly walked into the entrance of the park, but nature had something in stock for me, what i saw shooked me. My grin literally faded into a frown and all i could say was, oh my gawd! Why me?!
The place was a beehive of activities as it was stuffed to the brim with people from all works of life. I saw the most ugly creature on earth. she was short, flat-chested, dark with pimple-infested face, horrible look unkept hair and yammy legs. I bet she was no different from a village masquarede. I couldn’t believe i was so myopic not to have noticed earlier.
At that moment i felt cold shiver gushed through my spine, i was ajar, i wished the ground could just open and swallow me. She was standing at a far extreme of the park, smiling sheepishly at me, admist the presence of pretty girls. My modus oparandi was in swarmed motion, i thought to swerve and walk back home disappointed. But on a second thought i decided to atleast meet her so she wouldn’t feel downcasted and dejected.
I literally activated my thinking faculty and started to walk majestically towards her, just like magic, a thousand and one eyes fell on me, i was astonished, bewirled, puzzled, discombobulated, startled and vehemently petrified.
Immediately i get to her stance, i took a u-turn, then stood about 15inches away from her so people wouldn’t noticed that she’s with me. We got talking whilst i masturbated verbally below my voice, i was trying not to create too much attention. My plan was to take her to the extreme annex of the park where there are few
people, after walking for about 114seconds we got to a spot below a broad tree and sat. I kept a grinning look on my face but deep down within me i knew all my sinister plans had gone down the drain.
Just like Michael jackson, i was speechless and dumbfounded, i didn’t know what to say, Just then the unexpected happened.
immediately she spook i received heavenly blessings from her odoriferous mouth. I feigned ignorance like nothing had happened, i knew i had to leave there any moment unless i wanted her bad breath to suffocate me to death.
I managed to keep a conversation with her without actually dying, but i could swear i fainted, went to heaven and came back to earth. Jeez! That girl was so dull she couldn’t even speak a fluent command of english. Although i didn’t took that into consideration, but i never envisage her mental capability to be sorely beneath my expectation.
All these wille i was gisting with her i was enraged that i left the comfort of my home to the outskirt of the city to meet a cretin. I had spent my hard-earned money to transport myself there and it seemed it had all become a colossal waste.
I didn’t even get a chance to kiss her, not even touch her flat-less bosom. Not that she derived me from those things but even as though she had given me i’ll be gladly refuse. It was already getting late so we made to leave. I accepted my fate, perhaps it was God’s way a paying me back. immediately we got back to the main-entrance she said the words that made me wanted to give her a back-hand slap; she said “IS IT RIGHT FOR A GIRL TO ASK A GUY FOR MONEY?” i knew where she was driving at and without wasting time i started one of my rigmarole coupled with my americanized accent. Luckily she didn’t pushed it any further, and that’s how she left while i went back inside the square.
I was there for the next couple of hours surfing the internet. I cared less whether there were pretty girls around. Loveth had actually killed my vibe. At about 05:12pm i reluctantly left the square with a million things on my mind.
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