This is crazy and I don’t know what to think. It’s Sunday night and it’s dark out and I’m alone in a music studio in Southern California. And it’s … it’s different. What just happened? I’m a sound tech engineer at this studio although I do just about anything that comes up. If you read the “Old Rocker . . .” a piece I wrote a while back, then you know I’ve had quite a wild life. But right now, I feel drained and confused and it’s because of this young girl Shana who just left. If you read that “Old Rocker…” thing, then you know I’m a hedonist for fucking mouths and … tonight … Shana has known my weakness from early on. I mean we’re rocker guys. We talk crass and secrets don’t last long. So tonight, she … we were alone … the room was dark except for small recessed lights in the black ceiling and those lights made her brown-with-blond-strands hair twinkle like stars and and … She wore braids. Temple braids. Knocks me out every time. Samson lost his strength when he lost his hair. I lose mine when I see a sweet young girl with temple braids. Shana is gorgeous with delicate and defined facial features and her eyes are the most amazing dark blue, like a color I’ve never seen and my, how those eyes dance with life. She’s been coming here for four months. Right off, it was like instant friends; like we could laugh and we just knew where the other person was at even though I’m 50’s and she’s not yet 20’s. Still, it’s felt like there was something there right from the start. I convinced myself I was imagining things and it was nothing more than me being so much older that it made it easy for her to let her guard down with me. She’s easy to tease and damn does she ever give guys boners just because of who she is. Such a pretty girl and a sexy little body and, of course, a mouth that brings me to instant attention. I noticed it last month—how she was hanging out nearer to me than before. She could have gone anyplace to learn the biz but she was staying more with me. I was flattered but also realistic. I mean hell, she wouldn’t be interested in me. She had her whole life to live. I could never keep a girl like that. It can’t be. Can’t ever be. Why can’t I just lock in on that and stop this stupid imagining? Every night it’s the same thing before I fall asleep. I imagine us together and all the guys so jealous and all the places and people we would see and how we get engaged and married. So tonight, I was wrapping things up. Shana comes back. I don’t know why. She found Sloe gin in the lounge and mixed it with Coke and ice and she joined me in the sound room. Should have known it would be trouble. That I would get my thinking screwed up and that imagination thing would take over. This is the first time in my life that I ever wanted any girl completely and not just to fuck her. I’ve dreamed of her and imagined her and hugged my fucking pillow until I just couldn’t take the frustration of it anymore. I’ve been drinking more at night, hoping that would help. It hasn’t. So tonight. Shana and Sloe gin and I’m sitting in this plush swivel chair and she came close. Maybe it was me or maybe it was the Sloe gin, but when she talked, her voice almost sounded like it was coo-ing. I could feel the heat of her body. She smelled like heaven. I should have left. I knew it was trouble. But, I’m weak. She has taken me in a way that no girl has. That pretty face and …. dammmmit … those braids. She knelt next to me and her small hand ran over my left forearm. “I’ve always liked you Alexander,” she said. (I’m using my middle name more now). Those deep blue eyes seemed like a vortex that would suck me in and whoever-the-hell-I-was would never be seen again. “I want to make you happy,” she said. “I really … (pause) … want to make you happy.” Her fingers traced to my crotch and she began rubbing. Her sweet little face came to mine and she planted her mouth on mine and I felt her warmth breath and I swallowed it thinking if I took her breath into me, she would always be with me somehow. Her tongue dashed into my mouth and swirled and mine followed much the same and all the time, she was squeezing my hard cock in my pants. I was helpless. Helpless! I always want “mouth” but, dammmmn, I crave this girl. I want all of her. Her fingers had little trouble with my zipper etc. Her mouth followed. It was so fucking soft and her eyes so deep and her face so young and ordinarily, I would become that mouthfucking hedonist but with her, it was not sex. It was … intimate. Like… personal. I wanted her more than I wanted her mouth and I almost pulled her from her knees to tell her she didn’t have to do that and that I am madly in love with her and have been for weeks. I wanted to hold her and kiss her neck — things I haven’t wanted with anyone. I wanted to possess her and own her and take her away with me to some far away place where she could never be taken from me. But dammit, I can’t be in love with her! She’s too young. I could never keep a girl like her. I could never keep her happy for long enough and if I truly loved her, then I wouldn’t wish that on her and I damned well better not say anything to her. But yes, for the first time in my entire life, I am head over heels in love. My head spun like a planet out of control because I wanted her in my arms. I wanted to wrap around her all night long regardless of sex. I want to marry her and have her always with me. But, I can’t have those things. And my head was out of control because she was there giving me what I love so much … her warm, wet mouth sucking on my hard cock … and yet for the first time ever, there was something I wanted even more. The battle between craving her romantically, emotionally, spiritually, eternally —- vs —- wanting her to suck me off was so excruciating that I still feel its sting even though she left 20 minutes ago. Yes, she did suck me off. Yes, I did cum in her very pretty little mouth. Yes, she swallowed and at least I have the consolation that my essence is in her and somehow always will be. It seemed like more than a blowjob. Like there was a passion to it. Like maybe she has feelings for me. I feel so conflicted and confused. Unlike me, her braids are on the outside. So as I’m sitting here, I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I’m just … Frustrated. And just I wrote that, I realize now that I am lonely. I’m always around a lot of people. Work with dozens. Hang out with scores. Do shows with thousands. And yet, I now realize that the void in my gut when I go home is that I am lonely because I’ve known lust, but I’ve never been in love. I will say this, my cock is still twitching from that mouth. I mean some guy-talk here. Shana is one helluva cocksucker! I ran my hand over her head while she pleasured me and I saw that sweet face and those braids. Damn those braids. My fingers lightly touched them while she was sucking and when I came in her mouth, my fingers were pressing her head and feeling those braids. So sexy. Like a school girl but also like just a very sexy girl. I can’t explain it but braids drive me crazy. And dammmmmm… she swallowed. I didnt tell her to. I didn’t say anything because my head was too fucked up with these mixed emotions… but she fucking swallowed! It’s too soon for me to tell if that has made things worse because of making our bond deeper or if it will be our devlish secret that meant nothing personally. Will I do it again? I’ve had plenty of mouths and would “do” most of them again, but it’s so completely different with Shana and I’m not sure I would survive another night like this. That sweet face. Those deep blue eyes. Those damned braids. This fucking painful frustration. I suppose I will read this in a day or two and wonder what in the hell I was thinking in writing it. Maybe I’ve wasted your time. Sorry if I have. But, I have to vent somehow and I just dont feel like going home. It’s all so crazy. Maybe I’m crazy. I don’t know. I just don’t know. Thanks for reading.